I Can Talk To Anyone For Hours

Except God

This is a revised version of a post from a couple of years ago. I’m writing more on prayer and what I’ve learned next week, but I needed to give you some context first.

Prayer and I have had a complicated relationship. For most of my life, I lacked depth when I talked to God, and it seemed impossible to stay focused.

I’d heard all the clichés: “Prayer is just talking to a friend,” or “Work like it all depends on you and pray like it all depends on God.” Blah, blah, blah. I could talk to my friends for hours, but I couldn’t speak to God that way without my mind wandering.

I Tried Everything, and Still Felt Like a Failure

My husband, Todd, goes on long prayer walks every morning. He’s done that for decades. I love to walk too, but what if I see a lizard walking along a fence or, heaven forbid, a sparkly can in the grass? Shiny objects hijack my brain. Someone once told me, “When that happens, just pray about what you see.” So, I did. But then all my prayers became about squirrels, lizards, dogs, and insects.

I tried everything. I read books, followed tips, and experimented with posture. I prayed out loud, in the dark, on my knees, standing up, lying on the floor, and even in my closet with a flickering candle. Nothing helped for long.

Sometimes I wrote my prayers, but that took too long. Other times, I used a list or prayed the Psalms. I made notecards with prompts. I tried short bursts throughout the day. All of these worked for a while, but eventually, I’d be right back to checking the clock and drifting off in my thoughts.

What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I do something that should feel so simple?

Saints, Squirrels, and the Pressure to Get It Right

Well, I found out I’m in good company. Saint Teresa of Avila, a 16th-century Spanish nun famous for her teachings on prayer, once admitted to shaking her hourglass to make the time pass faster. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what Jesus had in mind when he said, “When you pray, go into your room, close the door, and pray to your Father” (Matthew 6:6). Notice he didn’t add, “And constantly check the time to see if you’ve prayed long enough.”

A few years ago, a guest speaker at church shared how he spent an entire day in silence to pray. He said it was difficult at first, but eventually, he felt a deep connection with God, unlike anything he’d experienced before.

“I want that,” I thought. I planned to clear my schedule, drive to a nearby lake, and pray for the whole day. Perfect clarity and concentration would descend. It would be an enchanted, spiritual day like never before.

My Big Prayer Retreat and the Creepy Vibes That Ended It

The big day arrived. I woke up early and read my Bible to prepare my heart. I drove to a secluded peninsula on the lake and found the perfect bench. The waves lapped gently. Sunshine broke through the clouds. The beauty of creation made me want to praise and thank God.

But then the wind picked up, whipping hair in my face and making it itch. I heard footsteps behind me multiple times, but no one was there. Probably just the waves. Still, it was unnerving.

It was also getting colder, and broken liquor bottles littered the ground. What went on in this park at night?

So much for clarity and concentration.

That’s when it hit me: I’m cold and scared. Why am I doing this?

I Thought I Failed, Until I Got Honest

I drove home where it was warm and safe, pulled out my laptop, and typed my prayers to stay focused. It worked. I poured out my heart and finally reached the connection with God I had longed for.

Typing helped me harness my ADD brain. Peter wrote, “Be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray” (1 Peter 4:7), but he didn't say how. That’s why I used a keyboard to stay focused. That wouldn't be for everyone, but it worked for me.

Still, my legalistic little heart told me I had failed. I hadn’t stuck to the plan. Was God disappointed in me for not enduring the wind and fear? I knew that wasn’t true, but I had to wrestle with the feeling. Have I mentioned I struggle with perfectionism?

God Didn’t Ask Me to Become Todd

The truth is, God didn’t ask me to follow someone else’s formula. He asked me to come close to Him. And that meant starting from where I was, not where I wished I were. I spent years forcing myself into someone else’s prayer patterns, but God never asked me to do that.

Maybe someday I’ll try another lake day, but not this week.

Question for you:
What have you discovered about yourself through your struggles with prayer?

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